Week Seven
"What happens if you go out on three dates in the same week with the same person? Does that count?" asked Michael some time ago. I immediately responded "That's the goal - if I'm dating someone, then I'm done!
But now I'm not so sure. This week, I go out on dates only with Ultraman (thanks special K - that's a much shorter nickname!). It starts on Valentine's day, when he makes me chocolate soufflé - yum!
On Friday, we go to see my friend Rick Huddle's
awesome Valentine's day show - on “Beginner’s Luck– first encounters with relationship, love, & sex”. Ultraman really enjoyed it, and I had fun.
The day after is much more serious. My friend Jennifer from Ashland has suggested that I need to talk to Ultraman about some of our political and values differences - I'm not looking forward to this (I dislike conflict) but it needs to be done. At a lull in the conversation, I look away to try and figure out how to broach the subject. "How do you think we're doing" he says. Wow, he's perceptive. "I think we're doing well, but I also think we have some pretty big differences in what we think is important" I respond.
I won't bore you with the tedious details, but what follows is a discussion of living in walkable neighborhoods, composting toilets, materialism, flexcar, commuting to work, large SUVs, kids, recycling, and organic food.
It’s definitely weird to be discussing such details with someone I hardly know. But wait – what is that sound? Do you hear that ticking noise?
Somehow when faced with not getting to achieve my dream of having kids, I find the gumption to talk to an almost-stranger on the seventh date about how many cars we’d have if we were married.
Ultraman is not at all defensive, and seems willing to analyze these issues and figure out if he's willing to change certain aspects of his lifestyle. My question: is it fair to ask someone to change?
posted by Sue @ 11:29 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I think that in the context of a committed relationship, it can be fair to ask someone to change their behavior out of respect for the other person's values. I don't think it's fair to ask someone to change their values to match your own.
If someone is willing to change some aspects of their lifestyle because they love and respect you, is that enough? Or is it important to you that they value these things in the same way you do?
I agree with tmc. You cannot ask someone to change their values; it would probably be impossible for them to do so anyway.
From a Cheri Huber Zen perspective, when you see something you dislike in someone else, you're actually seeing something you dislike in yourself. (You've read those books). I understand wanting someone who shares your values, but what within you is threatened by the fact that he doesn't?
Hmm, changing values. Are you asking him to change his values, or are you asking him to figure out if he does things out of habit (basically not knowing anything else) or belief? Big difference.
Also, values can often change when new perspectives are presented.
But hey, seven dates? Give yourself seven more to figure it out!
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