Week Eight: The Date Report: You be the Judge

Week Eight, Date 1: Two less paper cups
“I could have a commuter car that gets good gas mileage” he says. "But I love to drive too – so I could have a sports car or an SUV that I don’t drive very much. Would that be OK?"

I panic. It’s not really what I want. I want someone who helps me use less in life, rather than someone who tempts me to use more. Plus, for the price of a sports car, you could feed, clothe, and shelter quite a number of starving children. But I revert to my usual nod and smile. I need more time to figure out what my reaction is all about. After all, many families have two cars – it seems logistically to work MUCH better. So what’s the big deal?

After a great weekend in the snow with friends, and some self-reflective snowshoe time on Tumalo, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not so much whether he buys organic food or not, or whether he volunteers his spare time helping other people or not, or whether he has one car or three (There are so many ways to contribute in this life, and everyone has their strengths. Lord knows I don’t do even half the things I could to make this world a better place). But the difficulty is that we don’t share the same base value system. It's not formulaic, i.e. two cars= bad person, volunteering= good person. What matters is that someone is in some way striving to contribute to this world.

I might not recycle everything I can (*sigh* it’s sad, but true), but the difference between Ultraman and I is that I want to. As M&A pointed out – there’s an ideal way which I want to live, and Ultramarathoner and I unfortunately don’t share that vision. Plus, I think we lack the chemistry to bridge the gap. When I said that I had kissed him and it didn’t suck, I should have mentioned that it wasn’t everything I ever dreamed of either.

Which means I need to tell him. But he’s unloading the dishwasher when I get to his house – it seems inappropriate to spring this on him while he’s doing chores, plus, I hadn’t quite got the courage just yet. Luckily, before I left, Merm strongly suggested I start the discussion within the first 10 minutes I was there- very good advice. In the meantime, he chats about how there’s been two less paper cups wasted this weekend- he took his travel mug to get coffee a couple of times. That’s super! But I figure that particular behavioral change is a moot point in about 10 minutes.

He’s very logical about the whole subject, asks many questions, and is good to talk things over with. He talks about compromises and how people in relationships have to make them. “Sure, I say. Take the whole where to live discussion. If I were to move out of the northeast, that would be a compromise, but nothing in my values says anything about where I have to live. But some of the things we’ve talked about to me aren’t compromises. They compromise my values, which is different.”

As some readers have pointed out, it's fair to ask someone I'm with to respect my values. The problem is that in life, you wind up living out the values you believe in. So with Ultraman, would I wind up in some suburban neighborhood, unable to walk or bike anywhere when that's what I like to do? (Plus it's an easy way for me to have less impact.) I'm not so afraid of the "does he vote differently than me" values questions, but more "what am I going to loose when I live with someone that doesn't believe the same as me?"

Can people who have completely different values be together? I've decided that in this case, it won't work. What do you think?

Week Seven

"What happens if you go out on three dates in the same week with the same person? Does that count?" asked Michael some time ago. I immediately responded "That's the goal - if I'm dating someone, then I'm done!

But now I'm not so sure. This week, I go out on dates only with Ultraman (thanks special K - that's a much shorter nickname!). It starts on Valentine's day, when he makes me chocolate soufflé - yum!

On Friday, we go to see my friend Rick Huddle's
awesome Valentine's day show - on “Beginner’s Luck– first encounters with relationship, love, & sex”. Ultraman really enjoyed it, and I had fun.

The day after is much more serious. My friend Jennifer from Ashland has suggested that I need to talk to Ultraman about some of our political and values differences - I'm not looking forward to this (I dislike conflict) but it needs to be done. At a lull in the conversation, I look away to try and figure out how to broach the subject. "How do you think we're doing" he says. Wow, he's perceptive. "I think we're doing well, but I also think we have some pretty big differences in what we think is important" I respond.

I won't bore you with the tedious details, but what follows is a discussion of living in walkable neighborhoods, composting toilets, materialism, flexcar, commuting to work, large SUVs, kids, recycling, and organic food.

It’s definitely weird to be discussing such details with someone I hardly know. But wait – what is that sound? Do you hear that ticking noise?

Somehow when faced with not getting to achieve my dream of having kids, I find the gumption to talk to an almost-stranger on the seventh date about how many cars we’d have if we were married.

Ultraman is not at all defensive, and seems willing to analyze these issues and figure out if he's willing to change certain aspects of his lifestyle. My question: is it fair to ask someone to change?

Week Six: Halfway!

Week Six, Date 1. Ultramarathoner again. He's starting to grow on me. But today's "Survivor" party could have been a bit much - after all I've never seen this particular TV show before. Luckily, his friends (who I meet for the first time) talk during the whole thing and turn out to be 1) fantastic cooks, 2) generous with the wine, 3) friendly and fun and 4) have some ultimate players among their ranks (Ok - maybe I exaggerate - one person played in college, another woman was on my spring league team some years ago).

To answer some queries from the commenters – yes, I sometimes think about him when he’s not there, but the whole "gut check" thing says I'm not head over heels. Maybe he'll grow on me more over time? And yes, I have kissed him and it didn't suck.

This week, I only go on two dates - falling short of my goal AGAIN. Since I'm halfway, I guess I'll summarize the what's happened so far. I've gone on 17 different dates (just one shy of the 18 date goal) with 10 different people. I guess I've learned that there are some great and available guys out there. Also, since dating has been my focus, I've gotten a lot of good advice and some excellent support - thank you!!

Week Six, Date 2. My friend from Ashland sets me up with a sign interpreter from her daughter's class. We walk to downtown Ashland to one of my favorite brew pubs. I don't have much in common with this guy, although he's very sweet and nice. I feel like I'm struggling to make conversation, and that we aren't really interested in the same things at all. But my friend who set me up on the date thinks I'm not giving him a chance.

Can you make yourself like and/or love someone if you want to be in a relationship? My gut says "no". But maybe that's why I haven't found anyone yet?

Week Five: Recap

I apologize for not keeping up-to-date. Honestly, a month of three dates a week was super-difficult, and I'm glad I'm getting closer to April 1st when I can stop all of this nonsense. So, this week I only went on TWO dates, falling miserably short of my goals. In fact, I had a third date lined up, but cancelled because doing my taxes was a more appealing option. Uga - that just shows you how bad it is.

Week 5. Date 1 was very entertaining. I was skeptical, since he was pretty late, but figured that overall, I could tolerate a little tardiness (ok you folks who know me - YES I've been more than a little late to some major life events. My apologies!). But lunch was fun, and I found the topics he brought up interesting an fun to talk about. We left it that we'd go out for a beer at some point. Big Kudos to Peter for the setup!!!! He joins the exalted ranks of Jennifer and Tara, the other friends of mine to set me up on blind dates.

My friend John came down to Portland for a visit, and had some dating advice worth mentioning- in fact, it warrants an addition (or maybe even a replacement?) to my "list". He noted that many marriages (and arranged marriages) work because people respect each other. So instead of looking for love, I need to look for someone I respect, and then see what happens from there!

Week 5. Date 2 I'd been dreading. Why did I think hiking with Ultramarathoner was a good idea? Clearly, he's an overachiever when it comes to outdoor activities. And even more clearly, I can be lazy when it comes to hiking up things. But the hike up Dog mountain was good. It was beautiful, and he stopped to talk whenever I fell too far behind. We went to edgefield for dinner, and then a movie at his house.